Book of the Week: How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence people is the quintessential work on communication. Originally published in 1936, it has set the stage for decades of business, psychology, and self-help literature. The theme, as Carnegie spells out for us, is "the fine art of getting along with people in everyday business and social contacts." Laid out in six distinct sections, Carnegie dispenses nuggets of truth that, if followed, can certainly make us all better communicators. Below are my ten favorite pearls of wisdom from this masterpiece.



10 Key points to remember

1. Empathy is better than criticism. People do not respond well to being told they're wrong, but they will listen if you demonstrate understanding for their point of view. "There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts the way he does." Carnegie says, "Ferret out that hidden reason--and you will have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. Try honestly to put yourself in his place."

2. The only way to make a person do something is to make them want to do it. Carrots are always more motivating than sticks. You can, of course, force someone to do something. But if you want continued performance after your back is turned, your primary focus should be what's in it for them.

3. "Bait the hook to suit the fish," Carnegie says. Don't talk to people about what you want, but rather about what they want. My favorite quote in the book: "Thousands of salesmen are pounding the pavements today, tired, discouraged, and underpaid. Why? Because they are always thinking only of what they want. They don't realize they neither you nor I want to buy anything. If we did, we would go out and buy it. But both of us are eternally interested in solving our problems. And if a salesman can show us how his services or merchandise will help us solve our problems, he won't need to sell us. We'll buy. And a customer likes to feel that he is buying--not being sold."

4. Honest appreciation is better than flattery. Carnegie vehemently opposes manipulative intentions. In the end, they always backfire. "I am not suggesting flattery," he says, "far from it! I am talking about a new way of life." Every person has good qualities. Learn them and focus on them, so that your compliments are actually worth something.

5. You'll make more friends by becoming interested in others than by trying to get them to become interested in you. Carnegie names the dog as the only animal that doesn't have to work for a living. Cows five milk. Hens lay eggs. "But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love." We can be a man's best friend by focusing on what interests him, but he really doesn't care about what interests us.

6. Act as if you are already happy, and you will become happier. Everyone likes to be around happy people. If you're not feeling pleasant, just pretend you are. Eventually, emotion will follow action and, by coaxing yourself into believing you are happy, you'll actually cheer up.

7. Never forget a name. "A man's name to him is the sweetest and most important sound in the English language." If you forget a person's name, it doesn't matter what else you do or say to improve the conversation, you will be fighting a losing battle. Prancing a name is the first step in caring about the other person. Repeat it to yourself. Write it down. Ask how to spell it. Whatever it takes, learn it!

8. To be a good conversationalist, be a good listener. Carnegie tells the story of a botanist he met at a dimmer party and conversed with for several hours. The entire time, Carnegie said nothing about himself. He would merely express interest in what the botanist was saying and ask the botanist to tell him more. When he left the dinner party, the botanist remarked to the host that Carnegie was the greatest conversationalist he'd ever met. All Carnegie did was actively listen. People will love to talk to you if you love to listen to them.

9. Always make the other person feel important. Carnegie quotes Emerson in saying, "Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him." Look for ways to compliment other people. People will value you when they know that you see value in them. Never treat anyone as a "second-class" citizen or think that you are better than them. Treat ordinary men like celebrities and you'll be a hero in their eyes.

10. Avoid arguments at all costs. "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still." Winning the argument never wins the person. Proving the other person wrong is counter-productive. It positions you as a dreaded enemy rather than a valued team-member. Next time the opportunity arises to engage in a debate with someone, ask yourself what you really stand to gain if you can show that the other person is mistaken.