Book of the Week: Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen

Difficult Conversations is without a doubt one of the most pragmatic pieces of literature I've ever read. Based on a massive research project conducted by the authors and their colleagues, the book gives invaluable insight into how to discuss awkward and difficult issues with other people. Going beyond theories of active listening, the authors role play dozens of scenarios in which difficult conversations may arise. In each conversation, they dissect the words and tones used and give advice on how to better manage the discussion. If you are able, I would recommend listening to the audio version to get the most out of it. But either way, it is an essential work for salespeople or anyone involved with interpersonal communication (that means pretty much everyone).

Here are my top 10 takeaways from the book:

1. Begin every conversation with the intention to learn. This is the first point of the book: "Shift from a message-delivery stance to a learning stance." Too often we go into conversations in a one-sided manner, with our sole intention being to communicate our message to a recipient. The problem is that, if the other person approaches the conversation in the same way, there will be no receiving of messages, only sending. We should think more about what we can learn from the discussion than what we are attempting to teach within it.
2. Most difficult conversations are not about truth. We try so hard to prove that we are right in conversation, but the conversation is rarely about right-and-wrong. More often, it is about values. One poignant example given is a father trying to get his daughter to stop smoking by telling her that smoking is bad for her. The problem is that she knows it's bad. That is irrelevant. She is doing it to assert her independence and escape the "good-girl" image, not because she thinks that is good for her health. In the words of the authors, difficult conversations "are not about what is true; they are about what is important."
3. We often make the mistake of assuming intentions in other people. When we make judgments about other people, we often criticize their intentions, not just their behavior. In one scenario, a woman says to her boyfriend, "You have this need to put me down and make me feel bad." What she really means is that she is hurt by things her boyfriend says. But, she doesn't really know his intentions; maybe he doesn't mean to hurt her. She just assumes it. The authors encourage us to state how we are feeling instead of stating what the other person is intending. It's more accurate and makes them less defensive.
4. Shift the focus from blame to contribution. Too often in a difficult conversation, we make the argument about who is at fault. But there really is no point in trying to find who should get the blame. What should matter is how to prevent the problem from occuring in the future. How we do that is by looking at how all parties involved contributed. If a woman is mugged in a dark alley, for example, the mugger is to blame. But she still contributed by walking through the dark alley. In the authors' words, "If we're looking to punish someone for what happened, we would punish the mugger. If we're looking to help you feel empowered in the world, we would encourage you to find your contribution."
5. We all see things from a different perspective. The authors tell the story of a parade. Andrew, a young child, exlaims to his uncle Doug after the parade, "That was a great truck parade." It seems that all of the floats in the parade were pulled by trucks. Andrew, being fond of trucks, only noticed the trucks. His uncle Doug, of course, paid attention to what the trucks were pulling. But neither of them left the parade thinking that they merely saw their own version of the parade. Both of them went away thinking they saw the parade. Each of us sees events in a different way and we need to be accomodating of others' perspectives.
6. Take the "and" stance. When having a difficult conversation, we use too many "buts." In doing so, we offer our view as a contradiction of the other person's. A better way is to state your view and the other person's as equally legitimate points. For example, instead of a wife saying to her husband, "I want to go see a movie with my friends, but you want ever let me spend any of our money," she might say, "I really want to go out with my friends and I know you are worried about our finances." (an aside, Paul Castain has an excellent rendition of this here). Using "and" takes the person off of the defensive and onto your level.
7. Talk about the situation from "the third story." The others suggest discussing the problem from the perspective of an outsider. Pretend that you are a mediator or independent consultant. State your view and the other person's as equal alternatives. This will help you to maintain objectivity and loosen the other person up to hear your view as well.
8. Autheniticity is essential. The others discuss briefly the prevailing pop-psychology of active listening. Many people that have actually tried to employ active listening techniques come across to their friends as sounding phony. The problem is that the people aren't being sincere; they are using phrases they read in a book and, oftentimes, don't really believe in what they're saying. If the other person can sense that you are ingenuine in a difficult converations, your words will be heavily discounted.
9. Don't beat around the bush; be direct.  The authors tell the story of a woman whose husband takes up golfing on Saturdays. The time had been being used for the two of them to hang out around the house. The authors discuss a variety of ways the woman could approach her husband. She could say, for example, "You are playing too much golf" or "There is too much to do around the house." But neither of these things convey what the woman is really feeling: that she wants to spend time with her husband on Saturdays. The husband, therefore, is likely to defend himself by saying something like, "Nonsense! I only play once a week" or "I'll take care of the housework on Sunday afternoon." Neither of these responses solves the woman's problem. If, however, she is direct and says what she wants to say: "I miss spending time with you and am feeling lonely on Saturdays," the husband may, for example, start golfing instead only once or twice a month so that he can spend time with her as well. Being indirect takes the spotlight off of the central issue. Always be direct in difficult conversations.
10. Never disguise statements as questions. This goes somewhat along with number 9. Oftentimes, we'll ask a leading or sarcastic question instead of simply making a statement about what we think or feel. For example, when you ask your spouse who is in the driver's seat beside you, "Where did you learn to drive like that?" You really mean, "I'm uncomfortable with the way you drive." Asking questions like this set people on the defensive and making a productive conversation impossible to achieve.