On Fighting

Dale Carnegie offers perhaps the most profound words of wisdom ever uttered when it comes to an argument, "There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument--and that is to avoid it." When you fight with someone, whether it be a spouse, a friend, a coworker, a boss, or a customer, what exactly are you trying to accomplish? You are trying to convince them, right? You are trying to get them to see that you are correct. The problem is that they are doing the same thing. They believe that they are right just as much as you believe that you are right. So, you fight. You argue but, try as you may, you cannot win. Even if you prove your argument with all the evidence in the world, you will not accomplish what you have set out to accomplish. You will not persuade the other person. For, you will have wounded the other person's pride. And, as Carnegie says, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."



Might I suggest an alternative to this "fighting" arrangement? Most of us, in an argument, look at it as if we are on opposing sides. Each of us is at war with the other and the victor gets the satisfaction of being right. If that's what we are going for, to reinforce to ourselves that we are right, then this model will work just fine. If, however, we are trying to convince the other person that we are right, we need a model that does not paint that person as the enemy. We need a model that positions us both on the same side--leaving the enemy something else altogether. What if we were fighting side-by-side? What if we were on the same team? What if the disagreement or the problem is the enemy? Maybe then, both of us can win.

What, you have objections? Let's hear them:

1. But I am right! What if you are absolutely, 100%, beyond the shadow of a doubt correct in your argument? It does not matter. You cannot convince a person driven by emotion by striking them with logic. And logic goes out the window in the heat of battle. Chances are, you aren't even being as logical as you think you are. If you were really being reasonable, you would try seeing things from the other person's perspective.


2. But he started it! Sometimes, the other person will pick the fight. You won't want an argument, but the other person will practically beg you for it. This is a test of your character. Do not give in for, the second you do, you have lost all hope of persuading the other person. It takes two to fight. It isn't really a fight until you hit back. So, whatever you do, don't take a swing!


3. But what if I lose? Sometimes, you will lose. You win some; you lose some. Ever hear that old adage? How about, 'It isn't win or lose; it's how you play the game?' If you lay down your weapons and approach the other person for a conversation rather than an argument, sometimes, the other person will end up convincing you. Get over it! You can't let your fear of losing the argument cause you to ruin your chances of ever winning. Your only shot, though, of convincing the other person, is to find common ground and help them to see that you are on their side. Otherwise, you are fighting a losing battle.

Who are you fighting? And how's that going for you? My guess is that it's tiring and unproductive. Time to lay down your boxing gloves and go for the handshake instead. Time to substitute the conversation for the confrontation. Fighting is for people who want to feel better about themselves. Empathy is for people who want to make a difference. Which person are you?