How to Not Be Defensive

Defensiveness destroys communication. When we are confronted by another person and react defensively, the conversation goes sour fast. Sometimes, another person will say hurtful, accusatory things to us and we'll push back in protest. Other times, we'll be merely asked an innocent question by another person and we'll fly off the handle, because we feel like we're being attacked. In either case, our defensiveness sets us up an enemy to the person confronting us. If they thought us an enemy before confronting us, we are now the arch-enemy.None of us want to make enemies. Sure, we want to stick up for ourselves. We don't want to be taken advantage of. But, many times, we can settle a conflict and forge a friendship simply by changing our posture. When we behave defensively, we often cause greater conflict where there doesn't need to be any. So, how can we prevent ourselves from becoming defensive? What can we change about our orientation toward the other person?

The opposite of defensiveness is empathy. Empathy seeks to understand the issue from the other person's point of view. It removes the focus from ourselves and places it on the other person. Do you see how adopting a posture of empathy can keep us from becoming defensive? If our goal is to understand the feelings of the other person, we won't even be considering our own feelings. If we are focusing on the issue as it relates to the other person, we won't even realize that we are being attacked. It will not matter. Because it isn't about us. It's about the other person.

What about you? Do you find yourself becoming defensive in conversations with people? Do you constantly feel attacked? Maybe you're thinking too much about yourself and not enough about the person speaking to you. Adopt an attitude of empathy; it will revolutionalize your conversations.